Monday, July 4, 2011

A Broken Heart and Contrite Spirit

Hello Readers, I just want to first off say, sorry for not keeping any posts up for some time. I have merely been struggling a bit, with some things. Physics was kicking my butt, taking my time, and in the end I had to withdraw from the class just so I can take it next semester. I'd rather have a "W" than a big "F" on my report card. Another thing that has been going on, was my mother who had brain surgery in June, and then there were some personal problems I had going on within myself that I needed to fix.

Be forewarned, this next upcoming post will be about some life lessons that I have and some heavy spiritual themes. If you're the kind of person who doesn't believe in this stuff, I would advise you to consider no longer reading from this point, if you feel you can't respect my beliefs.

Let us begin...

I have been born and raised a Latter Day Saint, for those who do not know, you may also have heard the name "Mormon" used for them. If that is how you know of us, then that is what I am to you. I prefer the term Latter Day Saint though, because the term "Mormon" implies we follow the man Mormon, not God. That is not true, so from here on, I'm going to call myself "LDS."

My life to me has never really been questioned. I'd say being an LDS is without a doubt, the best thing ever to happen to me and my life. I say this, because being LDS has taught me so many valuable things that made me this amazing person I am. I know that I am not perfect. I am selfish sometimes, stubborn moreso, and I have a tendency to lose myself to some uncontrollable desires. I am human, and so are all LDS people, and anyone out there.

I know some people out there, know of a trouble that has bothered me lately. I suffered from a broken heart long ago. I wish it was so easy for me to get over, because I've had my heartbroken before. It isn't the first time I've been lied, cheated, or had something bad happen to me. Most people could forgive and forget and others would just hate and despise to move on. I was in between both.

I am one who does bottle up his emotions, it's terrible but true. I have always done this for the longest time, because I wish not to trouble or alarm my friends and loved ones. It's foolish, and I am working to correct the situation. I never wish harm on people, I never try to get "revenge" or even bother to waste my time and energy "hating" someone.

When I learned that I had been cheated on, I was actually not as angry as you'd expect. First I felt upset, bothered, and deeply saddened. Then... when those emotions passed, I began to feel sorry for her. I wanted to sincerely believe this was just a mistake that would never happen again. I ultimately didn't want to lose her, because I truly believed she was still the one for me, and that I would not want to lose my greatest friend. I felt that forgiveness would be the easiest thing I could do, but man did I not realize how much that would hurt me later on.

I admit... when we smoothed things over, I almost forgot about it. It would not return until we got into really bad fights though, and sometimes I brought it out as an ultimatum to gain control over the situation. I had never realized how much angrier I slowly began to feel, how much no longer being able to trust someone would weaken my spirit and cause me so much worry.

A few nights ago, I had something hit me. I won't disclose the entire story, but ultimately... I learned of what I really was to her. Perhaps this is just something she said out of emotion at the time, but in the end... I feel like this truly was the biggest waste of time. I looked at it emotionally and not spiritually. I had a long sleepless night, of evil thoughts, malicious intentions, and never felt my heart so heavy with evil, that I could not feel it beating. I thought about nothing but how much I wish I could go back and take it all away, how I wish I could see her face again just to see the pain and sorrow I would inflict upon her. I felt like I had slowly begun to lost control of myself, and it was into the hands of the devil himself.

The next day, I had been up early in the morning. I was up from 7:00 AM and did not return home until around 1:30 AM the next day. I was out with some friends, we were enjoying our time. It was here, that I begun to learn that in my life, to have peace I would need compassion, be able to forgive, and have a broken heart and contrite spirit.

I was not perfect in the situation that happened to me, and I know that I paint myself as the victim, which I may be, but I also know... that I too was wrong in some situations. To say anymore would just not matter at this point. I do know though, that I will learn from this life lesson and hopefully not repeat the same mistakes.

So, what is it that I have learned? Well here it is...

I have learned that I will not hate her. I will not feel that same evil malicious intention again. Hate is too strong, too corruptible, and it destroys you as well. I will admit she is not someone I care deeply about, because that is something I need work on. I do know, that her, and everyone else in my life, are people I need to love again. Not the love you have for your friends, for your family, for that special person... No, I need to learn to love on a level with Christ, I have to show compassion, I have to endure the heartache, because I know this is what my Heavenly Father expects of me.

God sent his only begotten son, to come down and teach us how to live and how we should treat others. Christ sacrificed himself, and suffered for all our sins. I know he suffered more than I ever could, and it's this knowledge that makes me know I cannot hate those who wrong me. It doesn't bring me peace because it destroys you from inside.

So do I just forgive and forget what she did? Yes and no. I will forgive, but I won't forget. I won't dwell on it either. I shall remember this always, because I know now that more than ever I need to have compassion. She, along with many other troubled souls I know, be it friends, family, or acquaintances... I want nothing more than for those people to someday return again to our Father in Heaven. I don't believe in these things, I KNOW in them. I have the faith that one day, we'll all return to Heaven, that someday this world will die but our souls live on. The reason I want to feel compassion for those who wronged me, those that are lost, those that are even my closest family and friends, which also are lost, is because I want them all to return to Heaven someday.

I say this, and you may think I'm crazy. You could choose to not believe what I have said. You could call me what you want, but in the end I know I will be right. I don't have to "prove" anything. Proof is just for the weak of heart, those who cannot trust, those who cannot have faith, those who believe in cold hard "facts" and when something unexplainable happens they disregard it entirely. The faithless are not terrible people, they are just souls lost, wandering without a light.

If anything in this world is true, it's that we are all better off helping one another, having compassion for one another, and learning love one another. I know I'm not perfect, I know there are many things in this world that aren't perfect, yet I won't give up on those that I love, have loved, or will love in the future.

I have said many times, my ultimate goal in life is to be remembered for the good that I have done and those that I have touched. Someone special one said I had a "heart of gold." I know those who love me consider me a "wonderful" and "amazing" person. I am human, but I will try my hardest to live above the expectations of "human nature." It's not impossible, it's not unreal, it just takes a little faith, a broken heart, and contrite spirit.