Thursday, April 28, 2011

My First Real Blog - A Little Tale About Me

Someone once told me, that I'm too kind. That I'm one of the kindest people out there, and they weren't telling me this only as a compliment, but what I believe was also a warning and message to myself. I also know, that it has not been the first time I've heard those words. All my life, growing up, I've been told that I'm "too nice, too good, too kind." Whether or not one could consider this a compliment only, or criticism, depends on how the person looks at how they have their kindness treated by those they give it too.

I believe that I am kind, and I know that I'm not perfect too. Sure, like anyone else, I do get angry. I'm not a pacifist, but I have patience and the will to stop myself in almost any situation. I have never been able to hate any single individual, I almost feel that is energy being wasted of the mind and body. To hate something, is to think of it, to acknowledge it's existence and continue to expend the time and energy thinking about it.

There are things I dislike, and those that I even strongly dislike. When I dislike something, I just do not acknowledge it, I ignore it, and I TRY to move on. See, I'm not perfect, but I think the people who call me kind, and think I'm too nice, are acute in their observations about me.

There have been many instances in my life, where I was taken advantage of this kindness. I told myself that in those instances, I should not care and ignore it. I should move on, and I should try to forgive and forget. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. That's how I'd think of things. I wag my finger, say "that wasn't nice" and forgive and forget. If it happens again, I then consider it a problem, and try to remove myself from the situation.

For all the things that have ever happened to me, I ignored them and moved on quite comfortably. I considered these obstacles to be a trial, for me to learn from my mistakes and grow a little strong. I do not take it fully out on the person, because if I were to consider their the sole absolute reason for this situation, then I would acknowledge their presence, and I would expend the energy and time thinking about how they wronged me, and thoughts of how I could do the same back to them would circle in my head. Ultimately, these choice to move on is hard, but the ultimately life will move on again and so begins a new day.

Today, I'm beginning to feel a little lighter. That's because, there was something that I foolishly did a couple of years ago. There was something I should have changed, but in all my time doing what I shouldn't be instead of doing what I should have, I was blinded by something so powerful, something so frightening, and something I thought was truly the REAL deal... Love.

There is a person I thought who I could forever be with, a person I thought who was my equal, and a person who was imperfect yet as perfect for me as anything would ever become. In the beginning, things were great, the feeling of joy and happiness was endless. Life was never the same, I had felt there was nothing more I could have in the world than that one beside me forever. I showered this person, with all my kindness, I let them in the chambers of my heart, and offered them all I could, because I thought.... I knew this was it.

Yet, it didn't last forever.... Sadly, it didn't even last a year... It did last longer, but what had happened just short of 1 year into that relationship, was something that I should NOT have forgiven. There was an event that occurred, where a person of my kindness shouldn't be able to forgive either. No person should have deserved what I went through, no person should be forgiven for such a crime. After all I had given this person, they betrayed my trust, broke my heart, and threw me down a pit of despair with no remorse.

I knew then, I wasn't the same... But I felt maybe that I had done something wrong at first. That this was my fault. I also began to make up stories of why it was ok. I began to think, this wasn't as bad as it could have been. I also wasn't sure if I could trust her word too, but slowly I tried to again. I tried to accept them, I never did though... In fact I never could, but yet I somehow convinced myself that things were ok... This was the person I was going to be with, right? This was it? I was committed I though, surely she would be the same.... I wouldn't turn back on anyone, I wouldn't give up anyone, I would forgive and forget, and all would be fine.

Sadly, I am NOT fine... I am NOT ok, and I know deep down I have trouble with somethings that I can't help, because I let this person destroy that piece of me that I valued so much, and everyone else sees in me. My trust in people, was no longer the same. Even though I know, the ones who wronged me should be on my "TRUST NOT" list, sometimes...  question the motives and answers of people I know and love. I don't do it willingly, but subconsciously, a piece of me thinks maybe they aren't telling the truth.

This happened, because I allowed one to take advantage of me and ruin me. I love and cherish my friends and family. I also trust only a small number of people now. My family I trust, and there are a handful of my friends that I know I can rely on. What I fear is, that I will subconsciously be unable to fully trust anyone I willingly give myself to. The one who I will cherish and love unconditionally like the last one. The one who I believe would be the only one for me.

Today, I look back and think about the situation... I have thought about the things I wish I could have done differently. I think about the things I wish I could have said to them, the things I wish I could say now. The person who ruined me, the person that took advantage of me. The things I allowed them to do, and put me in the place I am in now, because I gave you the level of kindness they will NEVER have from someone else.

I know that I'm one of the rare kinds, that is good and pure. My intentions are never in the wrong place, because I always will help those who need me. I never will be mad, because I have a near endless patience. I never will harm you, because I am far beyond any normal being's capacity to love and cherish someone. I am perhaps the greatest kindness you would ever see.

To the one who damaged me this way, thank you for letting me know that you were never the greatest thing for me. Teaching me that love can truly blind us. Showing me, that my morals were always right and I should hold onto them. I also have to say, that I don't hate this person. No, I could never. I tried... I thought if anyone deserved it, this would be the one. Yet, in the end... I found myself just unable too. It's not in my nature, it's impossible for me to do.

I know, you probably think I'm being too kind right now. I should say, that you're right. I am too kind, but that's because my father in Heaven taught me to always love one another, and to be like him. I hope that one day, I will not be afraid to shower that special somebody with the kindness and love that the Lord has blessed me with to give to someone else.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Insidious - I'm Not Sleeping Easy Tonight

Today, I watched Insidious, a film by James Wan (Saw), and had one of the most enjoyable and frightening experiences watching a horror movie I had ever this year. I urge anyone who loves a good horror movie, to watch this movie. I must admit, I hadn't heard of the movie before, but when a friend of mine decided we should watch it together, I could only tell you that manly screams of terror were heard in the quiet silence of the theater room. It's ok though, because I love to get scared, that's what horror movies are about, and manly screams and jumps of terror means this movie delivered!

So if you have not heard of the movie, I'll give you a quick summary of the plot. A young boy goes into a coma, and his parents realize this is no ordinary coma. Now they are trying to save their child and prevent an outside entity from taking over his body before it's too late!

If this summary doesn't entice you, I apologize for not sounding original. That's probably because the idea has been heard before, right? However, I must mention that this movie isn't a typical exorcism movie, in fact it's not really about exorcising demons, but if I gave away what I truly meant, it would ruin part of the surprise in the movie. Needless to say, we're not bearing crosses, having children speak in tongues, and vomit all over their room. Insidious is a terrifying movie, that takes some themes from many great classic horror films, and implements its own ideas and executes them perfectly!

What got me the most about this movie, is that it brings terror to people not through blood and gore, because this movie is actually PG - 13 (and it's FREAKY!!), but instead it brings the chills and tension through wonderfully produced scenarios, settings, and a little imagination. Also, I must say the sound design and soundtrack are really fitting.

I never like to talk about things I can't quite word or because I don't know the correct terms, but the sound design in Insidious is really excellent. The soundtrack uses a mixture of more classic horror movies, with the long reverberating strings echoing as the scene builds up for a next scary scene, or how the music and sound begin to gradually descend and deafen into a near silence audible that creeps along the back of your spine. Also, the sound of a crackling tree branch will perhaps never sound the same to you again. The movie executes a perfect mixture of audio and silence that it never feels like you know what to expect, just because something begins to "build up" or "slow down."

Now, the horror movie isn't just scary because the sounds make you think of the things you don't see behind the door, but also because the movie does have some original creations and mixes them with some classical horror elements that truly give the movie a nice unique and chilling world. We're not dealing with mutating corpses, viral infected zombies, raging menaces, or other things. Insidious retains a bit of a classical horror feel that feels more in modern day.

Let me just say, that this movie does not start off slow. It starts off from the beginning, and does little in introducing us to the characters to make us "know them" better. However, the horror is still strong, because this movie doesn't waste much time by prolonging scenes with explicit background details, or motives beyond simple survival and fear of the unknown. Insidious gave me chills running up and down my body all throughout because it focused on simple ideas and settings with perfect execution and timing. It moves along at a great pace, never letting down the tension long enough, but never over staying its welcome too.

To wrap this up, I implore you to watch Insidious if you haven't already. It's a great movie that scared this viewer more times than once, and made me love every second of it.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Dexter- I'm in Love with a Killer

Television has produced many great shows throughout it's life, and while I've watched everything from Anime to Sitcoms to Reality to Drama, I have NEVER been so satisfied and so engaged in any television show, as I have with Dexter. While there have been many great series and shows that I love (The Simpsons, It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, X-Files, Pokemon, Bleach, Death Note, Desperate Housewives, and so many more), and shows or genres that I have strongly disliked (Mostly any reality television from Real Housewives of ____ to Sweet 16 and so forth), there has never been a show that has gripped me and had me in it's bind as strong as Dexter.

This show gets my blood pumping, my heart racing, my fists clenching, and my physical and mental being a complete workout. Dexter, a Showtime series, has made me love television again. What I love about Dexter is probably that it does so many things so well and keeps me entertained through the very end. It's hard to pin just one thing about it, but I'm going to tell you what I really love about this series, and why YOU should be watching it, if you already haven't. 

For those of you who have just started watching, or haven't watched yet, I won't spoil anything in this blog. Also, if you love Dexter, perhaps you'll agree with me on why this show is amazing. 

In the Beginning

Dexter, is a show about a forensic blood spatter analyst named Dexter Morgan. He also has a bit of an issue, see our protagonist here, LOVE to kill. He enjoys killing people, and really has no remorse for doing so. You may wonder, "Why am I going to watch a show about a guy who kills people, and is crazy?" 
Well if I had to tell you that answer, I would kill the entire first season for you. So to avoid that, here's why you'll love watching him kill. Dexter, doesn't kill people without reason. He has a code he follows, and a purpose for killing people. Needless to say, Dexter really does have a heart and he is human still. There's just a part of him that is a little messed up, and for good reason too!

Before you continue to doubt that you'll love watching a serial killer murder people and that you can't get behind the idea why he does what he does, the first season will answer your questions and you'll be engrossed hopefully within the first few episodes! 

Killing Isn't Just the Only Way

What makes this show so great, is that I personally fell in LOVE with the characters, and HATED the characters that were meant to be hated. That's not all too, when there were some twists that happened where you learned something about character you had no clue whether they were out to hurt or be hurt, I had literally gasped in shocked many times over the revelation of this character's true purpose, many times. 

Dexter tells the story and life of all it's main characters and side characters so well, that you begin to feel for these people. I could not help but love how some of the characters turned out through the first season, that season 2 really pulled my heartstrings more when many of these characters had more prominent roles and mishaps or success following them throughout. 

Dexter gives us interesting characters the remain grounded in reality. These characters don't seem to ever do things that just have a purpose of trying to shock the audience, or trying to make them sad, or any of that. When these things happen, it feels like a natural progression through the consequences of their actions, that whatever may happen can leave you sad, happy, nervous, bitter, etc. The writers almost strike the perfect balance with every single episode and scene, that even if something stands out as a little cheesy or messed up, you can't fault them for being so near perfect with their execution.

Of course, that's not to say we don't see lots of Dexter, killings, and other misfortunes happening to people or Dexter. No, there is plenty of that, but it never feels like the show relies on some kind of standard frame of things, that everything begins to feel thin and worn out by the second or third season. What keeps Dexter strong, is how many of these events that trouble him really affect Dexter Morgan. Dexter thinks he can't be accepted, he won't ever be normal, or that he won't be able to love someone and be loved back. 

Dexter's motives are constantly changing, and every season it's great to see what those motives are! Is Dexter just killing to be a vigilante? Is he killing for revenge? Will he ever be able to stop killing? 

Dexter and Me

What I also think makes this show so engrossing, is that these characters are people that you can almost relate to. On the other hand, I think Dexter speaks about us and our inner desires that we keep secret. 

What I mean is we aren't serial killers. That's not the point of it. Sure, I love seeing Dexter kill someone who gets away with some heinous crime or something totally heinous, but at the same time it's the fact that Dexter has secrets. Secrets he fears anyone else knowing, because he fears how they will treat him. Does that not happen to everyone? Do you not put on an act for everyone you meet? Are you truly the same person? 

I'm not saying we all lust to kill people or have to kill people like Dexter Morgan does, for the reasons he does. However, Dexter speaks a bit to us, in that we too hate seeing injustice. We too have morals and codes we live by, and most importantly we may have deep dark secrets we don't tell everyone, for fear of how they'll look to us or if they'll even accept us.

Dexter is a bit of me that hides from the world.

Will You Join?

I could tell you that Dexter is many things that I love in a great television show. It's got great acting, and Michael C. Hall is so perfect and fitting as Dexter Morgan, that he made me fall in love with a killer. I could tell you that the shows are some of the best drama and suspense I've ever seen on television. I could tell you that Daniel Licht's musical score is a masterpiece at how it conveys the right emotion for the scene, it creates the perfect atmosphere and every note strikes the right mood and tone perfectly. These are just samples of the technical things of why I also love Dexter, but in the end of the day.... 

I love Dexter because it's just damn good t.v.! If you haven't started, I URGE you to watch it now! You can stream it on Netflix as of this writing, the first two seasons, and rent the rest! I implore you to watch this television series, because I know without a doubt you too will be hooked!

Friday, April 8, 2011

What Drives Me?

I've lately been trying to decide, what it is that drives me to live each and every moment I have on this Earth. I have long-term goals, short-term goals, and undefined goals. For some short-term goals, I hope to graduate from my school, earn an education that will help me obtain a career (long-term), and ultimately be married to that one woman who'll make me feel like I'm on top of the universe (undefined).

I know that deep down my goals in life are not just to ultimately be happy here though. In the end, there's only one solution, one ultimate goal, that I hope to obtain. I know the path that I will take to reach this goal is not easy though. I know the struggles that I will have to endure, the trials that I will be tested on, and the chance that I could easily fail forever if I don't keep focused is real.

Before I begin, I would like to say that there are some things right now that greatly drive me and ultimately make me proud to be here today.

First off, my family is without a doubt the greatest motivator and inspiration to me. I know deep down that without them, I would not be the kind, caring, free-spirited, honest and loyal (to a fault even), benevolent protecting person that I am today. I have learned the meaning of patience and have an abundant supply of it. I realize the importance of a strong family bond and how a healthy and happy home is the most important thing here on Earth. Money, power, and material things cannot bring this kind of happiness and security that you have when you're in a happy home.

Perhaps the next best thing to family, is the friends I have. Many of my friends are important to me, and I love all of them. There are some of those friends I have too, that I could never live without, and they hold a place in my heart that makes them feel like family. For me, the friends I have and the drive inside of me is determined by how I look to these friends.

I have friends that support me and keep me enlightened. There are friends who I want to impress, and friends who I want to show what I can do. They also are my friends because I want to see the same. Then there are the friends that I look up to. These friends show me things that I want to obtain in life, they share with me their knowledge and in return I also feel that I contribute some important part of their life on the same level, than just being a great person to hang out with.

The friends that I have and consider family even matter the most. These friends are the rare kind that uplift you, motivate you, and want to see you do nothing more than succeed. When you fall, they'll pick you up, when you are troubled they'll lend a hand, and ultimately when you need them, they are there.

So family and friends, they motivate me the most. I know that they are the strongest support beam to my life. These are great reasons and all, but they aren't just the only motivators. While there are many other things that motivate me and want me to succeed, the ultimate motivator is without a doubt the only reason why I cannot back down from the trials I face. My friends that support me in this and keep my faith strong know very well what I'm referring to. They hold me up, they build my faith, and they help me overcome the ways of the world that I have to endure through.

My driver is my Savior. He does exist, and he keeps me focused on the ultimate goal; to live with him again.