Thursday, April 28, 2011

My First Real Blog - A Little Tale About Me

Someone once told me, that I'm too kind. That I'm one of the kindest people out there, and they weren't telling me this only as a compliment, but what I believe was also a warning and message to myself. I also know, that it has not been the first time I've heard those words. All my life, growing up, I've been told that I'm "too nice, too good, too kind." Whether or not one could consider this a compliment only, or criticism, depends on how the person looks at how they have their kindness treated by those they give it too.

I believe that I am kind, and I know that I'm not perfect too. Sure, like anyone else, I do get angry. I'm not a pacifist, but I have patience and the will to stop myself in almost any situation. I have never been able to hate any single individual, I almost feel that is energy being wasted of the mind and body. To hate something, is to think of it, to acknowledge it's existence and continue to expend the time and energy thinking about it.

There are things I dislike, and those that I even strongly dislike. When I dislike something, I just do not acknowledge it, I ignore it, and I TRY to move on. See, I'm not perfect, but I think the people who call me kind, and think I'm too nice, are acute in their observations about me.

There have been many instances in my life, where I was taken advantage of this kindness. I told myself that in those instances, I should not care and ignore it. I should move on, and I should try to forgive and forget. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. That's how I'd think of things. I wag my finger, say "that wasn't nice" and forgive and forget. If it happens again, I then consider it a problem, and try to remove myself from the situation.

For all the things that have ever happened to me, I ignored them and moved on quite comfortably. I considered these obstacles to be a trial, for me to learn from my mistakes and grow a little strong. I do not take it fully out on the person, because if I were to consider their the sole absolute reason for this situation, then I would acknowledge their presence, and I would expend the energy and time thinking about how they wronged me, and thoughts of how I could do the same back to them would circle in my head. Ultimately, these choice to move on is hard, but the ultimately life will move on again and so begins a new day.

Today, I'm beginning to feel a little lighter. That's because, there was something that I foolishly did a couple of years ago. There was something I should have changed, but in all my time doing what I shouldn't be instead of doing what I should have, I was blinded by something so powerful, something so frightening, and something I thought was truly the REAL deal... Love.

There is a person I thought who I could forever be with, a person I thought who was my equal, and a person who was imperfect yet as perfect for me as anything would ever become. In the beginning, things were great, the feeling of joy and happiness was endless. Life was never the same, I had felt there was nothing more I could have in the world than that one beside me forever. I showered this person, with all my kindness, I let them in the chambers of my heart, and offered them all I could, because I thought.... I knew this was it.

Yet, it didn't last forever.... Sadly, it didn't even last a year... It did last longer, but what had happened just short of 1 year into that relationship, was something that I should NOT have forgiven. There was an event that occurred, where a person of my kindness shouldn't be able to forgive either. No person should have deserved what I went through, no person should be forgiven for such a crime. After all I had given this person, they betrayed my trust, broke my heart, and threw me down a pit of despair with no remorse.

I knew then, I wasn't the same... But I felt maybe that I had done something wrong at first. That this was my fault. I also began to make up stories of why it was ok. I began to think, this wasn't as bad as it could have been. I also wasn't sure if I could trust her word too, but slowly I tried to again. I tried to accept them, I never did though... In fact I never could, but yet I somehow convinced myself that things were ok... This was the person I was going to be with, right? This was it? I was committed I though, surely she would be the same.... I wouldn't turn back on anyone, I wouldn't give up anyone, I would forgive and forget, and all would be fine.

Sadly, I am NOT fine... I am NOT ok, and I know deep down I have trouble with somethings that I can't help, because I let this person destroy that piece of me that I valued so much, and everyone else sees in me. My trust in people, was no longer the same. Even though I know, the ones who wronged me should be on my "TRUST NOT" list, sometimes...  question the motives and answers of people I know and love. I don't do it willingly, but subconsciously, a piece of me thinks maybe they aren't telling the truth.

This happened, because I allowed one to take advantage of me and ruin me. I love and cherish my friends and family. I also trust only a small number of people now. My family I trust, and there are a handful of my friends that I know I can rely on. What I fear is, that I will subconsciously be unable to fully trust anyone I willingly give myself to. The one who I will cherish and love unconditionally like the last one. The one who I believe would be the only one for me.

Today, I look back and think about the situation... I have thought about the things I wish I could have done differently. I think about the things I wish I could have said to them, the things I wish I could say now. The person who ruined me, the person that took advantage of me. The things I allowed them to do, and put me in the place I am in now, because I gave you the level of kindness they will NEVER have from someone else.

I know that I'm one of the rare kinds, that is good and pure. My intentions are never in the wrong place, because I always will help those who need me. I never will be mad, because I have a near endless patience. I never will harm you, because I am far beyond any normal being's capacity to love and cherish someone. I am perhaps the greatest kindness you would ever see.

To the one who damaged me this way, thank you for letting me know that you were never the greatest thing for me. Teaching me that love can truly blind us. Showing me, that my morals were always right and I should hold onto them. I also have to say, that I don't hate this person. No, I could never. I tried... I thought if anyone deserved it, this would be the one. Yet, in the end... I found myself just unable too. It's not in my nature, it's impossible for me to do.

I know, you probably think I'm being too kind right now. I should say, that you're right. I am too kind, but that's because my father in Heaven taught me to always love one another, and to be like him. I hope that one day, I will not be afraid to shower that special somebody with the kindness and love that the Lord has blessed me with to give to someone else.

No comments:

Post a Comment